OUR EXPERIENCE
After the birth and burial of our daughter, we were paralyzed. It was, and remains, the worst and most heartbreaking experience either one of us has ever had to endure. In the days and weeks to follow, we felt isolated from the world and disconnected from one another. We were grieving in very different ways and did not know it. I could not stop crying. I cried as I tried to eat, thought if my daughter will never get to taste this food, then why should I? I cried in the shower. I cried when I went to bed at night, in the middle of the night and upon awaking in the morning. At times, a rush of grief-stricken emotions would overtake me, and I would succumb by sobbing violently. I was inconsolable. I anticipated that turning to my loved ones would bring me comfort, but it took me a while to realize that nothing and no one can comfort this constant stabbing pain deep within my soul. No one can fill this big gaping hole in my heart.
My husband, on the other hand, was keeping busy by looking for things to do around the house, did not express his emotions or talk about Emilia. I did not understand his behavior and thought he was already moving on. As I've learned, a person may be more of an intuitive griever, which is associated with strong affective reactions, involving influx of powerful emotions and expressions that mirror those feelings. Overcoming this grief involves delving into and conveying these emotions, while pushing through the pain in order to heal. On the contrary, instrumental grievers do more thinking than feeling, they are inward individuals, who process things quietly and dispaly little to no emotions. Being preoccupied by doing something is their expression of grief. We were both in mourning, yet of little comfort to one another as we grieved differently and could not relate to one another at the time.
The world around us continued on as usual while ours stopped. The hopes and dreams we had, the future we envisioned with our little girl had been crushed in a blink of an eye and our brains could not process this tragic reality. We did not know how to live anymore, and had to get accustomed to a different painful "normal". We went through the motions of resuming daily routines, and returning to work as we continued to die on the inside. A huge part of us was buried alive with our baby.
A JOURNEY WITH GRIEF
Losing a child changes a person drastically. It carries a profound type of pain that can not be fathomed, only understood by those who have suffered the same loss. It is the beginning of a life-long journey, where a parent must learn to not only live with the pain on a daily basis, but also let go of future plans, as well as the hugs, kisses and everything in between.
PHRASES TO AVOID
Three months after our loss, we attended a social function, and the reactions we encountered were perplexing. Likely due to discomfort with the situation, some avoided the topic as though nothing had happened and others did not approach us completely, both of which were very hurtful. Finally, the majority attempted to console us by making cliché remarks, which were not encouraging at all, but rather harsh. It's understood how difficult it must be to find the right words to say as a friend or family member, because there aren't any. But also think of how detrimental some words can potentially be to a family who is already in grief. A simple "Hello and how are you feeling?" or "I'm sorry for your loss" would suffice. Keep it simple and concise; refrain from preaching. I would like to think that all people meant well and that the latter reactions were due to lack of awareness, or their inability to deal with the situation.
Because of Emilia's loss, I have come to know sweet people who, unfortunately, suffered the same tragedy. It was quite baffling to learn how most of the following statements seem to be commonly made to parents who have lost a child. It is not only my opinion, but also of other parents, that these are very unkind. Not only do they provide no comfort, but also arouse anger and exacerbate the misery.
1. "This is God's will"; "everything happens for a reason"; "it wasn't meant to be right now"
Such comments may seem harmless to the speaker, but may reflect lack of compassion and hold no meaning to parents who just lost their child. Here is an example to clarify what is being implied. If a friend confided in you with a new diagnosis of cancer, would it be appropriate to respond and say "this is God's will" or "everything happens for a reason"? That would be very insensitive and socially unacceptable. Furthermore, remember that not everyone may share your religious beliefs, but even if they do, the time following a loss can be one where an individual’s faith is shaken. Although it is God's will, the obvious doesn't need to be reiterated.
2. "Who knows...may be the child would've been handicapped"; "he/she's in a better place"
Whether the child would have been handicapped or in a better place, it is not one's place to say so. In addition, an insinuation that the child is better off dead than alive with a physical disability in the arms of the parents is being portrayed. From my experience, many parents who have a child with special needs, care for them with utmost love, despite how tasking it can be. The parents of those children often feel blessed to have had them, so please, do not undermine physical or mental disability or imply that one is better off dead.
3. "You'll have another child"
Perhaps this is true or not, and it may be perceived with restentment for a couple of reasons. First, the loss of this precious child is unrelated to future pregnancies and children. The parents need to mourn this loss, it's natural and healthy in order to be able to somehow make peace with the situation and look forward to having children. Please realize that the birth of another child will never replace this little one. For instance, if a mother has 2 children and happens to lose one in a car accident, would it be appropriate to say, "at least you have the other"? Definitely not. These children are two separate but equally loved individuals to that mother. Secondly, there may be existing infertility or medical issues preventing futher pregnancies and perhaps this child was the mother's only hope at having a baby.
5. "You have to move on" or " You'll get over it"
The grieving process for the loss of a child is a journey and will vary for everyone; it can not be rushed or ignored. There is no right or wrong way to mourn. There is no deadline and everyone should be given the time and space they need to mourn in a way that feels right for them. Grieving parents will never "get over" the loss of their child, they just "live" with it.
6. Saying nothing
While it may be challenging to address this issue, ignoring it is upsetting as well. It may suggest that this child never really existed, hence their loss does not matter. It can also signify that no one cares for this catastrophe and the suffering this family is experiencing. After such a loss, one needs to know that people care and are thinking of them and their baby.
CONSIDER USING THESE STATEMENTS WHEN ADDRESSING GRIEVING PARENTS
- How are you feeling?
- I'm sorry for your loss.
- Is there anything I can do for you?
- I can't imagine what you're going through, but I'm here if and when you'd like to talk.
- Would it be ok if I call you sometime, or would you like some space?
WHAT CAN YOU OFFER PARENTS IN GRIEF?
Gestures that were comforting to us and touched our hearts in our time of need:
- Provide support and compassion by offering to visit and sharing in the couple's pain. Some may want to hide out initially, but may come around quickly to the idea to quiet the deafening silence in the house, so offer an open invitation. Some of our friends wept in silence with us, without pretending to understand the depth of our suffering, which was perfect in my opinion.
- If the couple are open to it and are part of a parish, temple, etc, offer to visit with priest, rabbi, or pastor to pray with them.
- Being thoughtful is endearing. Consider gifting the couple with small keepsake figurines or memorial jewelry (necklace, bracelet, dog tag) engraved with the child's name and birthstone. We also received a baby wrapped in angel wings garden statue. These gestures were heartwarming, a symbol of honor to the lost child, and I will never forget them as long as I live.
- Mail a sympathy card
- Send flowers
- See if the parents would like a donation made to a particular charity
- Consider donating to this organization in the baby's honor to help raise funds for research on this dreadful topic of stillbirth.